Today we went to the Dr... for an ultrasound.... We were 8 weeks 3 days pregnant. Were. Last week went in for an ultrasound and they found everything.... everything but the heartbeat. Being so early in the pregnancy we were guarded but optimistic. My Dr... was the same. Said to wait a week and hope that it wasn't developed enough yet and that this week we would find it. It wasn't meant to be though... I am so incredibly bummed.... I've always known that fertility wasn't our strong point. With our age, our infertility, BUbba's exposure to poisonous gasses on a daily basis... we had some pitfalls to deal w/.

Being that it only took us 2 months go get pregnant made me feel invincible. Sometimes, no matter what you do, or how hard you pray.... things just don't go the way you want them too.

So, here we are... sad ... grieving for something/one that we've only known about 3 weeks and yet you get so attached to instantly. It's no longer there.... or still there just not alive anymore....

Thursday I go in and have a D&C... I could wait and hopefully l et my body do this on it's own but it's unlikely it would and right now I don't want to sit around and wait for something bad to happen..... I just want it over.

Thank goodness... I have BUbba... and Evelyn.... still so much goodness to be found...all around me.

Over and out. That is how I feel. Can't really enjoy anything.... but i'm not sitting in doom either.

We had a great little fa mily weekend last weekend. We saw a ton of family and had great food, shopped, hung out and did a lot of dodging RNC crowds. Our hotel was full of delegates and the town was definitely abuzz.....

This week brought some type of stomach ickyness and extreme tiredness.... Evelyn has been a peach and is sitting up like no ones business. Today brings me getting my nails done and hopefully her getting a

H A I R C U T ! !

Already, my lil ditdit getting her first haircut...but it's necessary.

Here are a few pics from the weekend....


Here is evelyn w/ her cousin Laura...........



sitting up in the real bathtub like a big girl!



building a monkey at build a bear!.... she wasn't thrilled w/ the stuffing machine..... but how sweet it is to pick a lil stuffed heart.... make a wish on it...kiss it and throw it in.....Ev's monkey has 3 hearts! Bubba Evelyn and I are headed out for the long weekend.... I might sniff some mall air... visit friends in Mpls...and other than that...just hang out really....... far from home. We got some not so great news yesterday and I have that mixed up feeling that I'd almost rather stay home but should go do something to get my mind off of it.....blah.....

Sometimes, even when life is great....it gives you a teeensy kick in the pants to remind you that you're not in control........

Have a good weekend....... Or so it seems.

We are having our main floor painted on Tues/Wed and so we are taking everything off the walls.... filling nail holes and packing up things we no longer want/need/use and oh my what an undertaking!

Hopefully by week end we have a lovely more appealing to my eyes home again......

Good week, so so tired, could barely stay awake some times even while my sisters were here! We hung out, ate a lot, laughed a lot and my oldest sister pretty much did all things Evelyn so when we need a babysitter for a week .... im going to smile at her =)

73 degrees yesterday. SUnny, crisp and delicious. Can you say..."Fall is in the air?"


weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Forgive me in advance for this being focused on snot nosed Evelyn.

She has her first cold ... first illness ever. =( She ran a slight fever once after some immunizations but one day and boom, back to norm. She's still happy as can be but snot seems to be oozing out of every oriface. Don't know if I spelled that word right.



She looked as if someone clocked her...and people even asked if we did. AS IF!
She looks much better today. Sounds better too. No big snore coming out of the nursery today.

Onto veggies. How can 2 tiny teaspoons of carrots create such a gross mess in a diaper? Or on clothes or a face.......eeesh



Evelyn is 6 months 1 week today. She is not sitting up yet unassisted and she likes wild rides thru the air, singing "You Are My SUnshine".... naps w/ her aquarium going in her crib, peas, saying her prayers ( she ALWAYS smiles which freaks me out ), baths w/ rubber duckies and ninja rolling across the floor....



Why does everything, even my toes... have to go in her mouth? She can be ninja rollling and all the sudden I can feel my toes being sucked....YUCK! She's all stealth like in her getting to where she wants to go tho..... and ev erything is to be studied.... then sucked and tasted.......

TOday.... pool time from 10 30-12 30..... we just go sit under an umbrella...and chat w/ the other moms in play group..... then....

AUNTIES ARRIVE IN SOUTH DAKOTA @ 2 !!!!!!!!!

They are staying til Saturday and we shall be doing lots of nothing, eating and laughing.... w/ much picture taking. My oldest sister is 18 years older than me...and she, will be.....Ev's surrogate Grandmother when my MOm is gone...... and also she will be her guardian if anything should happen to us. I think she loves her as much as I do =)

Have a good day everyone! This is an obituary that was in the Vallejo-Times Herald. I cannot even believe how someone's life can turn out this way but again, I am amazed by what tangled webs people weave...

*********************************************************************

Dolores Aguilar, born in 1929 in New Mexico, left us on August 7, 2008. She will be met in the afterlife by her husband, Raymond, her son, Paul Jr., and daughter, Ruby.

She is survived by her daughters Marietta, Mitzi, Stella, Beatrice, Virginia and Ramona, and son Billy; grandchildren, Donnelle, Joe, Mitzie, Maria, Mario, Marty, Tynette, Tania, Leta, Alexandria, Tommy, Billy, Mathew, Raymond, Kenny, Javier, Lisa, Ashlie and Michael; great-grandchildren, Brendan, Joseph, Karissa, Jacob, Delaney, Shawn, Cienna, Bailey, Christian, Andre Jr., Andrea, Keith, Saeed, Nujaymah, Salma, Merissa, Emily, Jayci, Isabella, Samantha and Emily. I apologize if I missed anyone.

Dolores had no hobbies, made no contribution to society and rarely shared a kind word or deed in her life. I speak for the majority of her family when I say her presence will not be missed by many, very few tears will be shed and there will be no lamenting over her passing.

Her family will remember Dolores and amongst ourselves we will remember her in our own way, which were mostly sad and troubling times throughout the years. We may have some fond memories of her and perhaps we will think of those times too. But I truly believe at the end of the day ALL of us will really only miss what we never had, a good and kind mother, grandmother and great-grandmother. I hope she is finally at peace with herself. As for the rest of us left behind, I hope this is the beginning of a time of healing and learning to be a family again.

There will be no service, no prayers and no closure for the family she spent a lifetime tearing apart. We cannot come together in the end to see to it that her grandchildren and great-grandchildren can say their goodbyes. So I say here for all of us, GOOD BYE, MOM


*************************************************************************

Being a parent is scary stuff, full of responsibilities and opportunities to mess things up considerably. I mean, THEY LET ME TAKE THAT BABY HOMME FROM THE HOSPITAL!!!! me!!!!

I hope that when it's my turn to go, my family misses me a weee little bit =) Makes me so sad though... Even if this was a hoax, and Im not sure if it is... there are people out there like this.... maybe they don't get the stellar write up... but they get that raw emotion that comes w/ a rough life....

-i have to go kiss Evelyn-.......... (((((squish))))) Last Thursday Evelyn celebrated her 6 month birthday!
Yesterday I celebrated my birthday!

It was a good day. Got up to BUbba having the monitor w/ him so I could sleep in. Ev slept til 8ish so I got up around then too....got ready for the day and went out to breakfast for scrambled eggs and pancakes. Walmart snuck in there too.... then home for a bit..... Took Evelyn to her 6 month Dr checkup.

Evelyn weighs 16.1 pds.... and is almost 26 inches long. She seems healthy as a horse and screamed when the Dr even just peeked at her! She has stranger anxiety already! I couldn't help but laugh but feel broken hearted in the way she was wailing. 3 horrible shots and we were out the door. They do a great job, do the shots fast but man, that has to scare a lil punkin when they're not expecting it....... =(

Came home for some children's TYlenol and a nap for her.... and I raced away for a pedicure! 2 hours of massage, scrubb...hot wax..... and pink polish...... nice!

Home to quick get ready and go out for a cheee cheee dinner w/ BUbb and Ev..... and a piece of chocolate cake .... nice!

Watched OLYmpics on the couch and didn't even make it awake til 10.... what a good birthday...

I think the part that amazed me most.... is that I spent it with my family. My little family.

THAT is the only gift I got....but it's one I will cherish forever.

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

pics in the next post...

NEXT page